Holidays and Pregnancy
Pregnancy and the holidays can make for an interesting combination, kind of like toothpaste and orange juice. So, whether you're pregnant, trying to become pregnant, or just a family member trying to figure out how to navigate the holidays, let's figure this out together.
So what if you're pregnant? There's a couple different ways you can go about this. Many people would choose to tell their family about their pregnancy during the holidays because what other time will everyone be together and get to celebrate all at once? But there are few considerations. Some people prefer to wait until they have a normal ultrasound, or are at a certain gestation, or they wait as long as possible before telling anyone. Any of these are just fine. Because it's your pregnancy and however you want to tell people is completely up to you.
One consideration about telling family about your pregnancy if you're very early on, is considering miscarriage risk. This isn't an easy thing to think about, but almost 1/3 of pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. That is why many people will choose to wait until they hear a heartbeat, see an ultrasound, or until they are out of the first trimester. Now many people will still choose to tell family and friends very early if they would feel comfortable telling their family if there was a miscarriage. And if they feel they will actually benefit from their support either way. There may also be social, cultural, or religious reasons why you may choose to wait to tell anyone. Again, this is your pregnancy and no one has to know until you're ready. If you feel like you want to talk people early, go ahead, if you want to wait until you're much further along, that's fine too.
One final consideration if you're pregnant is dealing with food and alcohol avoidance. You can always make yourself a mocktail, have your partner give you an empty beer can, or be a designated driver to fend off questions about not drinking. (Also, why do we pressure people to drink during the holidays? Ugh.) And if you're nauseous, or can't eat some things, feel free to make people uncomfortable by telling them you are massively hungover, or experiencing GI distress. This tends to halt further questioning.
What if you're trying to become pregnant? This is a tricky one. When I worked in a fertility center I had a patient who unfortunately had a family that continued to badger them. When will you give this baby a sibling?, they asked. You're not going to just stop at one child, are you? She became so frustrated, she she just told them. We're trying to get pregnant but we can't. We're doing everything we can, so if you could just back off that would be great. Sometimes families just need that frank discussion. On the other side of that coin, you are not obligated to tell anyone about what you're doing related to family planning. It's really no one's business. But if you're a human being on this planet with a family, you probably have been subjected to questions about what you plan to do with your uterus. So two options here:
Just be frank and tell people don't ask us about kids or pregnancy. Because honestly, we're trying and it's not working right now. Yes, we want to talk about it or no, we don't. Either way, you've voiced your boundaries, and you don't have to have the discussion over and over at every single holiday. The second option would be to play along to get along, which you can do in a few different ways. You can reply kindly to questions, or have a little fun. If someone asks, when are you going to have another baby you can retort with fun things like:
Whenever you decide to pay for their day care.
As soon as diaper's wipes and child care are free.
Or I'll have the second one as long as you decide to carry it. And push it out.
Lastly, if you're a family member, it's totally normal to want to know what your family is up to. You want the best for the people that you love, but it's s not okay to ask what someone intends to do with their reproductive organs. I know you just really want to know if they're going to have a baby. You can't wait to buy baby clothes or throw a shower. But you have to you have to understand how hurtful all these questions can be if someone is struggling. So instead, be the family member who doesn't ask anyone about their pregnancy plans. Ask them about anything else and start with open-ended questions like:
I heard you got a new job. Tell me all about it. I want to know how everything is going.
Oh, my gosh, I love your dog. Can I see some pictures? How is he or she doing?
Your mom told me you went on a vacation. Tell me all about it. Do you have any pictures? What was the best thing you ate the best thing you did?
I personally love to ask potentially annoying questions that can start some good conversations like: What is your favorite side dish at Christmas or Thanksgiving? Because we all know it's not really about the Turkey. This can turn into a heated debate over brown VS white gravy, or if there should be homemade or canned cranberry sauce.
So to tie this all up in a holiday bow, this is your body and you're not obligated to tell anyone what you intend to do with it. It's okay to be open and frank with your family if you need a break from questions. And take it upon yourself to be the family member who's a great conversationalist and doesn't ask anyone about their genitals at Christmas.
